Where to begin?
My wife has an excellent post on Harper's birth here.
I'll add a little just to give my side of the story.
The whole time they were giving Angela oxygen, shaving her tummy, etc. I was totally freaking out.
Now, I am completely and utterly adamant about fathers being as involved in birth/child rearing as possible, but the fact of the matter is that all this shit is going on with her body, and there are some things we daddys just can't be a part of.
So I held her hand, and told her it would be o.k. and that I wouldn't leave her.
Except, and here's the bitch, I DID leave her.
In the whirlwind of the ensuing shit-storm, they whisked her away and I had little idea of what was happening.
They dressed me in a cap, gown, and mask and had me wait outside the operating area until I could come in. Standing there in that flimsy, clown-colored blue and green outfit with my stupid-ass mohawk I felt like the most useless loser on earth.
I envisioned myself as some bad-ass in a movie, shoving the nurse aside and shouting "Angela, I'm coming baby!" and bursting into the O.R. to grab her hand and tell her it would all be just fine.
Instead I paced outside the doors, tears pouring down my face, just one more time I turned out to be the useless fuck I always feel like I am.
I grabbed every hospital employee who came by and demanded to know what was going on with my wife. These angels in silly scrubs would take one look at my face and run back to the O.R. to fill me in on the latest info.Keep in mind this whole scenario only lasted 15-25 minutes, but I lost about 12 years of my life in that short time.
One of the nurses finally came out and told me I had a baby girl and she would be out soon. The NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) doctor came out with our beautiful baby a few minutes later in a plexiglass box and told me to come with him. I could barely speak the words "Is she alright?" through the sobbing. That wonderful man assured me that all was well in the calmest, most reassuring voice I've heard in my entire life. I honestly don't know how doctors continue to be so compassionate year after year, when that shit is so old hat to them, and yet so life-altering to the patients involved.
I asked when I could see Angela and he said in about 1/2 an hour. We rushed to the NICU and I got to kiss and hold baby Harper for 30 minutes, then I ran up to look for Angela. She wouldn't be out for 30 more minutes, so I ran between the two areas for the next hour-I didn't want Angela to come out of the O.R. and be alone.
When Angela finally did come out I was able to reassure her that everything was going well. I held her hand and kissed her forehead and felt like the luckiest man ever to be surrounded with so much beauty and love. And, honestly, in every moment of crisis I am so thankful that I am strong enough to be there and not fail the ones I love.
It has been a tough week since, but I feel like we will make it through it all that much stronger and perhaps we'll reassess our lives and focus on what really matters.
The support of our family and freinds during every step of this whole process has been nothing short of inspiring. We aren't worthy of your love, but vow to repay you all.
Kisses to my bitches-its late and I'm out.
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10 comments:
hi. i'm jessica. i know and love your beautiful wife. now that we have been introduced i feel i am qualified to tell you how awesome you are. that's all.
much love.
you don't know me and neither does your wife. I read her blog every time she posts, and I'm moved to tears by your story. I'm glad your beautiful baby is doing fine and I hope Angela recovers soon.
All the best
you are an awesome husband and father. seriously. awesome.
weeping here in the next state timmy. you are a lucky man and angela, audrey and harper are lucky to have a husband and daddy who is so devoted, loving, vulnerable and able to spell it out.
will it take baby#3 before we get another tim blog entry. i guess if that's the case we might not ever get one, huh?
big love to you and please keep us updated on momma and baby.
b
I'm Siobhan. And like Jessica I also love your wife. Wanted to let you know that you are awesome, too. And I bet my husband could relate to what you went through when he was standing outside the O.R. waiting for me.
Hi I'm Ingrid. Angela has made me laugh via her blog and photos. I have to say that you're both lucky to have one another..and you were as supportive as any Man could be ..Congratulations to the 3 of you +1.
Jeeze, Tim. Now I know why she married you. Not that I needed a reason - it's just - shit, man - you rawk.
tim... angela adores you, we do, too. you are the man of her dreams and that makes all of us smile... healing thoughts being sent your way. kisses to all the girls, hugs to you!
We love you so much Tim. Your family is so incredible. I aspire to be parents like the two of you. Now what can we do for you?
I am so happy everything turned out so well. Harper is beautiful. You seem like an amazing father and husband. Your girls (all three of them) are blessed to have you. I am sure at least two of them realize that already. The third.... well give her time :)
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